Today my dad has been gone for 1,254 days
It’s a shocking number when I contemplate how fast the 3 years and 5 months has passed by. It’s been a mix of the most unbearable grief ever, to finally feeling joy again, to homesick aching, and gentle understanding. When he very unexpectedly and suddenly left this world, all I could think was that it was all over and “Dad, how will I live the rest of my life without you here??” Through this grief journey though, I now come to ask: is it really all over?
Today on my morning run, my music cut out and with annoyance at losing the groove I decided I’d switch to a podcast. What happened to be loaded and ready in my queue was All there is with Anderson Cooper. This particular episode featured Cameron Crowe and his take on Grief, Memory and Music. First of all, I highly recommend this podcast to anyone who has experienced loss, and that MANY episodes have touched me deeply, but today’s episode just came at the right place and time, and had me reflecting and crying on a random bench in the middle of a golf course.
Crowe mentions how he found himself in conversation with his late sister Cathy while writing his book and it was based around the little “crumbs” you can dig for after our loved ones go, because “people leave clues behind” whether intentional or not. So with that sentiment (and his touching story), I found myself veering off my running course, beelining for a bench, and bawling in the morning sun.
This winter I was digging through the family photo albums I’ve seen a thousand times, looking for a couple baby pictures of myself. I found what I was looking for but ALSO unintentionally came to understand something I had never considered:
There is something deeper to these photos than just a record of my life.
This is Christmas 1985. It is my first Christmas, and my parents’ first Christmas as a brand new mom and dad. I stopped long on this one for the first time and it’s like the entire album shifted before my eyes from being photos OF us, to a representation of what and how my dad saw, what he felt compelled to photograph, and what his view of the world was through his lens. Now this picture is not just a picture of my mom – it’s evidence of proud, excited parents, the start of new traditions, and feeling their love and celebration.
This is now one way I continue relationship with my dad. Three years later I find myself in conversation with him when unintentionally looking for things; these pieces of him reveal themselves to me. How much did he love his family? Where did he see beauty?
Even the photos that aren’t taken by him still give me connection to him, our family life and story.
And of course there are many other ways – I’m specifically highlighting pictures today because of my epiphany with Christmas 1985, but memories and feelings can be conjured by so many avenues. For me there is also music, places, dreams, and creating.
I was so worried about forgetting my father’s face I dedicated a large canvas to studying it in depth
Weaving memory into current life and ensuring we keep talking about our loved ones makes space for the “sacred wounds” we all carry. Sacred wounds are words Patti Smith uses in the Jan 22 episode of All There Is with Anderson Cooper.
So I have to thank the kismet of my music crashing and the All There Is podcast lining up which just compleeeeetely called me to share this experience of grief and relationship. Thank you to Anderson Cooper for having this out in the universe. Every single episode speaks to me in one way or another and ALSO helps me feel closer to my dad.
To anyone out there, I hope you find pieces of your person that will help you feel relationships carry on in some way and know you aren’t alone.
If you feel like sharing you can comment here or reach out to me on instagram @flashbackphoto_tbay